So its been a while since I have actually written a post about what is actually going on inside my head and heart... been trying to keep it upbeat and well I havent felt very upbeat in a while... Just kinda blah. Its been 8 months and 1 day since my husband left to fight in a war I never thought I would be directly affected by. Well here I am 8 months into this deployment and I wonder how I am going to make the last little bit I have left. My husband is my best friend and my confidant and when he left I felt like I lost that... I dont have my friend to comfort me when hes not here and I dont have my confidant right at hand when I need him. I have friends and family but its not the same. I love them but nothing like I love my husband. Yes I have kids and I know I do whats best by them but I NEVER let them see whats inside. EVER! They are dealing with enough knowing that their daddy is gone to work they dont need to know that their mommy hurts alot too.. They need to KNOW that mommy is STRONG for them, and I am. Bubba still asks where his daddy is and I tell him he is at work and Bubba says ok. Just that fact in itself that he is SO OK with his daddy being gone HURTS TO THE CORE!! Kids arent supposed to be ok when daddy is gone. But Bubba has been awesome! He has stepped up and hes my little man!! He loves his mama. My Babygirl has been amazing. She is my little mama she helps me out with my lil Buttercup and things around the house and she knows when mommy isnt OK. Dont get me wrong, my job being here without my husband is hard enough but I could not begin to imagine how HE feels. Away from everything familiar to him, his home, his wife, his children, hot water the things we each and every one take for granted, including myself. Being away from him is enough but having to be away from my kids too, cruel punishment. I DO understand my husband has a job to do over there. I DO understand that his job is VERY dangerous and there are ALWAYS the what ifsl... which I dont even have to get into. The unimaginiable fate of our lives together beiing brought to anend so soon would devastate me but I choose not to think about it. Sometimes I even catch myself not worrying at all. I think about him but the worry subsides and just in that brief moment I realize the concern is back. I live my daily life each and every day doing what I have to do to make it through the day. My husband and his fellow soldiers live their daily life doing what they have to do is stay alive. I read somewhere a quote that said "Soldiers are dreamers: When the guns start going off they think about good food, a clean bed and their wives." Made sense to me.. =( We underestimate what those guys over there have to go through on a daily basis. We think we have it tough here. Granted yes its hard but at the end of the day we have taken for granted the many luxeries that they lack. I complained to my husband about not being able to take a shower after the kids baths because the water does not get hot enough for me, he said well baby at least your water is warm. The showers they take there are more than likely cold. I complain too about the stupid internet and how when it works its awesme when it doesnt its crap. Of course we take it for granted. I watched a movie A League of Their Own the other night and these women were playing baseball while their husbands were off at war. No phone calls, no email, no facebook, and no skype. Then as they were readying for their game a man walked in the door with a TELEGRAM from the war department.... A TELEGRAM!!! No idea HOW LONG that takes but NOWADAYS it takes about 2 weeks for me to get a LETTER from BigPapa with the USPS more advanced today than back then. UGH!! We are so lucky to have such advances in technology where he does miss alot but he doesnt miss as much as they did back in other wars. Even when 9/11 first occurred Skype and such were practically non existant. Just phone calls, emails and letters when they had the chance. I havent been in the greatest of moods since the beginning of this week. I put on my happy face and drive on. Not too much longer he will be home with me to "visit" and then go right back to doing his job. I miss him so much, his babies miss him alot too. Along with the rest of his family who miss him as well. I know they have been without him but then there is the selfish bone in me that feels his kids and I have given up so much more. I dont have someone to crawl into bed with and he puts his arms around me and all my worries are gone. No one to kiss me when he comes home from work, just the sweet kisses he blows to me through the computer screen. No daddy here to kiss away boo boos and wipe tears away. The look on my daughters face the first day at gymnastics when she seen other daddies there putting their daughters hair up. My husband used to love to put Sams hair up. He says he can see her beautiful face better that way! I went to put my son back to bed and there was a football in his bed... I tried to put it in the toy box and he wouldnt let me. "Mommy me and daddy are going to play football when he comes home". Yes buddy you will! Others dont have to explain to my kids why their daddy isnt home or wipe away their tears when they are crying because they miss him. I can talk to anyone but the one person who knows how much I miss him is him.. He misses me as much as I miss him. I understand people miss their sons, grandson, brother, and nephew. I KNOW they miss him but they can live their lives without him. For me it is a struggle to get up each morning and not see his face and go throughout my day knowing where he is or not knowing where he is in most cases and then going to bed at night with empy arms, a lonely heart and tear filled eyes. I know it will all be over soon but I miss him dearly. With EVERY peice of my heart and every inch of my being. My children and the love he has for me help me through each and every day and will continue to do so until he comes back home to me. I love my soldier, my husband, my soulmate and my best friend with all of my heart. I just cant wait for it ALL to be over!!
