A Million Feelings!!

I haven't vent on my blog in a long time so I'm way overdue. But I figure tonight might be a good night for it. I got alot of emotions going on (on top of your typical deployment emotions). When I went and seen my brother and them in Florida. I was overwhelmed. Happy, excited, sad, jealous, resentful, and guilty all that wrapped up in one person CANNOT be healthy. Not be healthy at all. OK so the more understanding feelings like happiness and excitement is self explanatory, the others yeah I'm gonna explain. First off I was sad because I didn't make it in time to be right there with her when she had Michael like she wanted me to. It sucked!! But I got past that. Jealous, well I guess that can be pretty self explanatory when you think about it. My husband is gone and I am doing the whole single mom during deployment thing and right there in front of my face is my brothers happy little family. All of them together. Resentful because Michael isn't my only niece or nephew. The other, well, their mother and I just don't see eye to eye and that makes for a difficult relationship all around. I resent the fact that one of them claim to have a relationship as close as my brother and I when in fact that is VERY far fetched (which I find quite humerous). There relationship is nowhere near the aptitude of the one of my brother and I. Him and I are best friends, they are merely strangers. Therefore we aren't quite as close to them as we will be Michael and his parents as I said in the previous post. Now the final feeling I stated Ah yes, the guilt. Guilty because I was jealous and had no right to be (I have a happy little family too just apart right now), and also because I was so overwhelmingly happy for my brother and sister in law and their new addition and James wasn't here.. How is it possible to be overflowing with happiness when my husband is sooooo far far away. I also thought about all the things James is missing out on. Tears my heart apart because there is so much and he knows that. I take lots and lots of pics to show him (its not the same but hopefully that HELPS). I know I shouldn't feel guilty for being happy. And like a friend told me James cant expect me to be miserable the whole time hes gone. Ive been avoiding people (family mostly) and I am not 100% sure why. I do know I get tired of hearing them talk of a "new" relationship in the family. Really don't wanna hear all the mushy puppy love right now. I also hate putting on a charade and ACT like I'm OK when I am around them when most of the time I am not. I'm not depressed by any means but I'm not gonna smile and laugh on the outside when I'm not feeling it on the inside.  My mom can read me like the cover of a book and know almost exactly what I'm feeling inside so I have not shunned away from her. THAT my friends would be a task all on its own. As far as missing James. I'm missing him terribly. I am on the downhill yet I feel like I am in the bottom of a hole looking up the slippery slope with his homecoming waiting at the top. I am forgetting things that mean the world to me. How my hand fit perfectly in his, how I felt safe when I was in his arms, the butterflies I got when he placed his hand on my thigh as we drove down the road, the way his laugh lit up my world, the joy I felt watching him play with our children, the way his kisses taste, and the passion when we made love. Its amazing the little things we unknowingly take advantage of are the biggest things we miss when we dont have them readily accessible to us. I miss my husband so much. We are halfway there. Gonna put on my happy face and continue to be strong and care for his children and his home while he is away and TRY to patiently wait for his return home! Thanks for readin!